Wednesday, 25 March 2009

• Currently The Time Traveler's Wife By Audrey Niffenegger see related

  Do I ever cross your mind, anytime? Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?

  [I did not proof this, as I don't have time. it's jibberish, maybe don't spend your time reading it.]

  I skipped my last class today. I had a test in Spanish and grabbed a cup of coffee beforehand, I was feeling kinda dazed so I thought it might help. It ended up making me antsy, anxious and shaky, it happens sometimes, my body is weird. I completed my exam, but I probably looked like a crack addict, shaking and scribbling. I decided to just go home after wards to eat and calm down.
  
  It's a beautiful day. I took my hoodie off and enjoyed the almost too cool breeze and the warmth of the sun, the smell of fresh rain and damp soil. I took a longer route to my car, partly to avoid the conversation an overly cheery girl in Spanish class was having with me and also to work off some of the extra energy I had. I reached my car, rolled the windows down and surfed the stations for a song. One station has a "No refusal nooner," meaning they play whatever song you request, someone requested, Brian McKnight's Do I Ever Cross Your Mind. I haven't heard the song in years, but it's a romantic, yet sad song. It brought a lot of emotions to me, it had my thoughts leaping from memory to memory and shoveling up a lot of forgotten, or buried emotions.
  
  Yet, it put so much hope into me. Driving home, with the spring hair blowing my hair about, the sun drying the streets, I felt like, given the chance I could fix anything. I could mend your heart, I could take a broken situation and make it light, fix it, help resolve  broken hearts.
  
  Most of the time, my forgiveness, my willingness to move on from something that is torn apart is a curse, perhaps it always is, it often makes me anxious or hurt. But today, all the weight felt light, this drive home, my emotions seemed so easy to deal with.
  
  I wish the world was as easy as that. I wish forgiveness were easier, more often. I wish we could just forget the past, not talk about and move forward. And often times I ask, why can't we? Why must we hold on to hurt? To unforgiveness, why must we condemn others with the very thing we are doing?
  
  School, also, has been a weight, I've felt like giving up. Finite Math, has had the most difficult concepts for me to grasp. I just can not get the hang of it and I'm suffereing greatly. I dread Monday and Wednesdays. I took on too many credits (as I'm working quite a bit more this semester). Today though, it was different. I don't know if it's prayers being answered, or just a stroke of good feelings, extra endorphins, but I just finally felt like I could deal with it.
  
  My emotions have leveled out since then. Perhaps I'll feel bogged down again next week, but it was nice for a break, even if it was a 15 minute drive.
  
  I try to do what I think it is right, most of the time, as often as I can. My intentions, on most things, and some things that have gone terribly, are good, are pure, yet sometimes I don't succeed and my actions are not what's best. I hurt people when I don't mean to, things can get confusing and things can go array.
  
  I wish that my heart could be pulled from my chest and you could read it. And as I feel this, it makes it easier to not judge people. It's easier to see people when I start to see myself clearer. We mess up, we get confused, we try and we fail. I want to strive to not condemn or get upset with someone when their intentions were pure, yet their actions to fulfill what they think is the best action isn't acutally the best.
  
  Does that make sense.
  
  Simply put, as gRegor often says: Love without expectation.
  
  With the passing of yet another soul, Sheryl's father, it again puts a thousand questions in my head, it makes me want to scream to everyone that YOU DO MATTER to me, that I DO LOVE YOU, always, always. I texted my brother on Sunday morning, I said, "My friend's father died. I started thinking about how terrible it would be if you died, I just wanted to let you know I love you, bubby." I've gone to bed the last few nights, thinking about how I may never wake up.
  
  I talked to Greg briefly about it. He assures me I won't be going anywhere anytime soon. But the simple fact of life is, you don't really know. My heart could pull a maneuver like gRegor's did, I could get in a car wreck, I could bump my head and die like Natasha Richardson, need I go on?
  
  Each day, each moment, each second, is just time we can't get back, I feel like I'm constantly running out of time. I'm not harping on this, I'm not wasting my time, so to speak, thinking about how I'm losing time. I'm not looking for comments about how I need to take life in and enjoy it.
  
  I'm just talking, I'm just writing, I'm just expressing.
  
  Who is important to you? Are you waiting around to reconnect? Who do you love? What do you want? What would you regret?
  
  Maybe this post is about forgiveness. Maybe it's about living with more self-confidence or less regard for opinions. Maybe it's about walking up that fucking ledge you hate and taking that leap in the water below, that you'll survive fairly unscathed.
  
  I hesitate. I leap too soon. I speak too much, I let out too much. I look foolish, young and naive. I'm boisterous. I'm loud. I don’t always get it right, in fact most of the time I don’t.  I'm so much of Isha, so much of me, that sometimes it's too much. I never know what direction to take, I never know if I'm making the "right" decision. I'm human, "I am a hostage to my own humanity."
  
  I'm naked. Not literally. I mean, I'm real. I try to be real. Maybe if you say "I'm real" it's the same as saying, "Why yes, I'm quite humble," meaning, you can't really admit to it.
  
  I'm trying to be self-effacing. But maybe I'm coming off as arrogant and ignorant.
  
  I know nothing and I know too much.
  
  An older woman, Kay, at the library, printed an email off from one of her grandchildren, it said, "Dear Grandma."
  
  It occured to me how much I miss saying "grandma," how much I miss her. How powerful of feelings she still governs over me.
  
  Death, decay, time, it just doesn't erase love and that is beautiful to me. She is beautiful,     Grandma, the word will always be beautiful. I want to say I'd go to her and ask her all of these questions, ask her for answers to life, to my life, to the paths I should take, but I don't know if I would. But if I did, I know her answers would be along the lines of--follow God, believe in yourself, because she believed in me so much. The pride she had in me, my brother, my mom, it was just astounding. I can't even figure out what I've done to deserve such esteem from her. Of course, she never saw all of me, all of my downfalls. Though, she is the kinda person that saw other's downfalls and would still find them honorable.
  
  We don't do that enough. Often times, it's so easy to take the negative and to run with it. One drop of sin, one drop of failure can damage a friendship, a marriage, to the point of no return. It’s too hard to fish out that the drop, once it’s been added and consumed.

  I wish we could just break away from that. We don’t have to go with the norm. We can be different. We can strive to be better, to evolve away. Not every situation has to follow those before it.

   

  I’m saying a lot, or my intentions are to express a lot. I feel like it’s more than I can really get out there.

   

  I don’t see the world in black and white, though it’d be easier to be that person.

  Perhaps, even knowing that one day it will be too late for something, whether that be for forgiveness, for traveling, for telling someone you love them, maybe even knowing that, isn’t enough. If it were, the world would be different, probably easier. Maybe this is just the world as I would like it to be in my head. Let me tell you, that is a grand world, where I’m married to Eddie, cruising in my RX-8 in London (aka Harry Potter’s homeland) with a sweet bundle of joy in my back seat babbling and drooling.

  Everything that has happened will happen again, it’s also already happened. Everything I’ve said, I’ve already said before.
  

  
  

  It’s not enough.

  
  

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