Tuesday, 19 August 2008

• Currently Listening II By Boyz II Men see related

  Goodnight Gram.

  [what I said at my Gram's funeral]
  
  It has been the longest 5 days of my life. I've felt so shocked and unprepared for this. I've felt so completely broken, more broken than I've ever been, or ever will be. I don't think the timing of when this took place would make any difference; I'm never going to be ready to let my Gram go.

  I told Gram, back in 2000, when she was diagnosed with cancer, when we weren't quite sure what would happen to her, that I would speak at her funeral. So, I've had 8 years to prepare something to say, anything to say, that can really express the impact that my Gram had on me.

  But truthfully, there is nothing, nothing I can say that you all don't already know about this beautiful woman, my Gram. We all have been touched my Gram, big or small, we've all felt the gentle touch of love that Gram radiated all the time.

  The capacity to love that my Gram had was like no one else I've ever met. She didn't care if you were young, old, big, small, gay, straight, black, white, Gram looked inside everyone and found the greatest part of their heart. She loved with a love that was so unconditional; I fear I may never find that again. I knew that if I ever fell, Gram would pick me up and show me the way.

  There are so many things that I could say, so many memories that I could share. I could tell you about the house she had tucked inside the countryside that my brother and I would run around at every weekend. There were many mornings that I would be woken up by the aroma of sausage and eggs frying in the kitchen.  I've never been able to figure out why Grandma's food always tastes better than any other food I've eaten.  There were many afternoons when my aunt and uncles would come over bringing my cousins along. Grandma would grill burgers and slice a juicy watermelon for us to eat under the shade of our favorite tree. On the hottest of days Grandma would turn on her sprinkler and we'd all run barefoot through the grass.

  There is this part of me that hates that she had to pass now. That I wasn't able to have her at my wedding, to give her some more beautiful great grandchildren like my brother was able to do. That my children, won't fully know their great grandmother.

  But I know that my life has made her proud and that is more than enough for me. I loved her and she loved me and we both know how great that love is.  She saw me graduate high school and enter college. She has watched me grow from a baby, to child, to a teen to an adult. And although I'm an adult, I never felt like one with Gram. I've always felt like that 5 year old child running around her house.  I've made her laugh and smile. Putting a smile on Gram's face, hearing her chuckle was like the sun breaking through the clouds on rainy day.

  Although the past few days have been almost unbearable, I know that my Gram is in a better place. Gram has been hurting. Its ok, Gram, you had to go. We can take that hurt, we'll hurt for you Gram. You just rest now.

  So, how do I say goodbye? How do I say goodbye to the most wonderful person that I will ever know?

  I don't. I take everything my Gram has instilled in me, in my family and in this community and I give, give, give. I tell my children of the most honorable and humble person that I've witnessed. I change the world with selflessness, with one hug, one kiss, one smile, one gift, one life at a time.

  In the words of my cousin Michelle, from a letter she wrote to our great grandma many years ago,

  "Hi Gram, it's your little girl all grown up, saying goodnight for the last time. Tonight I tuck you in because I love you so much."

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